You alone can stop the conflict happening in your relationship. Love your partner, the person behind the behaviour they are showing up in. Your partner is not that yelling, crying, or criticizing behaviour. That behaviour is only a reactive part of them that will eventually settle down. Having a strong reaction when your beloved husband, wife, or significant other is behaving in an extreme way makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, adding your own reaction is like adding fuel to a fire.
Maybe you start crying too or yelling. Those are big reactions that show up outside of us. A big reaction on the inside is withdrawing and distancing ourselves from our partner.
Be sure to look for this! The magic potion you bring to your relationship is Self energy. It calms down reactive parts. We all have these qualities of Self. All the time. Before you can show up in Self with your partner, you need to check in with yourself first look at the steps in that post.
Give yourself some Calm and Compassion. The time to stop evolving, growing, learning and improving oneself is never. Now, we can surmise he may not come to the conclusion he needs to change on his own. So sit him down in a quiet moment. Tell him you love him, you enjoy his company, but if he cares for you he's got put the brakes on his tendency to throw hissy fits over minor matters.
This may be a difficult conversation. You may cry. Go ahead. It'll help drive home the seriousness of the situation. When Pam sits me down and starts tearing up, I always know what's coming next: a "home truth" that may be tough to hear, but for the best in the end. Ideally, he will go off and think about it, and things will improve. You say after flipping his wig he calms down, reflects and apologizes.
That's a good sign. He's sufficiently sentient and self-aware to know when he's wrong. He just needs to work on not freaking out in the first place.
A tall order, I know. Get him to promise to try — that's the first step. Expect some slippage, some recidivism. Though being ignored might infuriate you, resist the temptation to blow up at them. Instead, take a few deep breaths, even a short break, before you try to respond.
Someone having a rage attack or meltdown might express anger and frustration physically. Still, you want to avoid putting yourself at risk. Tantrums, rage attacks, and meltdowns are usually linked in some way to overwhelming situations or difficulty regulating emotions. They may not respond until they feel calmer, but when they do, hear them out.
Knowing someone cares can make it easier to explore solutions. It can also help to consider the language you use. Many people find it difficult enough to cope with rage attacks or meltdowns without also worrying what others think about them. Setting clear boundaries — and sticking to them — can help you protect your emotional well-being while still offering support. Everyone gets angry on occasion. If you find yourself having more regular fits of rage or distressing meltdowns, it may help to get some professional support identifying possible causes and exploring helpful coping strategies.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. Pent-up anger getting the best of you? Learn how to release it in a productive way.
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